That flash of life before your eyes.

Friday night was going to be the best. My friend from work wanted to head out to his favorite bar and said your coming with me. He is a blast to be around and had fun getting ready to go.

We stayed till close and of course, being a guy while intoxicated was trying to start fights with other guys for just looking at him the wrong way. I dragged him out and we both decided that we should head out to our place of work and have a really late night meal.

We get there, him still ranting and raving about the last guy who pissed him off before we left the bar, and settled in at the counter. We talked to our co-workers that were on the night shift and had more fun.

"oh look its getting late and you have to work in like two hours... lets go." i say to my male co worker and we both go and leave the store.

We took a taxi to the bar and back, because i never ever drink and drive, and we both live close enough to each other, so we started to walk home.
My friend bid me goodnight as his street came up first. I live about three too four minutes away from him, but it was almost 4am and since we were dancing all night, my feet were not the best, so i decided to take it slow.

a few minutes later, i was passing a convenient store, when i heard some guy shout out. thinking that it might be my friend wanting something from me, i stopped and turned around.

It was not my friend. there was this young guy in about his early to mid twenties, wearing no jacket (i think it was -25c or colder) yelling at me. i quickly turned around and started to walk faster... already having this bad feeling in the bottom
of my gut.

This guy ran up to me and stood right in front of me. Right there i could tell that he was high on something. he was slurring his words and being very antsy. as he continued to try to talk to me, i noticed that he was keeping his hands in his pockets almost the entire time... my bad feeling was getting stronger.
He thought i was someone else, trying to ask me beauty and hygiene questions, asking me what row the razor blades were in... clearly this guy is not playing with a full deck of cards.

a few times i tried to nicely tell the kid that he has a mistake and I'm trying to get home. he started to get into my face, stopping me dead in my attempt to flee the situation.

Normally i take the back way to get home when i walk. i cross though a field and walk behind some apartment buildings. something in my head told me not to, take the long way, the apartments are closer... just in case...

I speed up my pace, getting way ahead of this crazy guy and turn down the side street where i live. at this point in time i have my cell phone in my one hand and my keys in the other.

He starts to yell at me now, i turn around and yell back at him. at this point of time we are standing right beside an apartment building. I have been always told that i have a voice that carries. So I yelled and screamed at this guy. I can see my own building just at the end of the road... I'm not going to make it i think to myself.

Without warning, he jumps me and starts to take swings at me, connecting blow after blow with my head. I tried my best to defend myself, but i had no grip with my boots on the snow, i fell down after i don't know how many hits. I yelled and screamed. i buried my face in the nearest snow pile so he would not hit me directly in the face.

Just as soon as it started, the guy took off. Thank goodness the people in that apartment block did hear me and a few came rushing out and chased the guy down the street.

Trying to gather my thoughts on what just happened, i look down at my hand and see my cell phone. So i call 911 and other than me having a panic attack was able to give my location and still able to describe the guy to the woman on the phone.

After a two hour wait, the cops finally came. and took a statement. before this time after i got off the phone with 911, i called my roommate/cousin and she came rushing down to find me. she then called my parents and after a time, came also.

The cops told me that the way they respond to someone calling 911 is that they use a scale of priority. 1 being a total disaster like the end of the world to 10. They said that what happened to me was an priority 3. when i called 911 at 4 in the mooring, there were 60 other priority 3's at the time.

My parents took me to the emergency room so i could get checked out. the back of the left side of my head is all swollen. my ear is all black and blue, and my left side of my jaw hurts (can barely open my mouth right now.) i also got an other nasty bump on the right side of my forehead. my left wrist is sprained, and i am finding many bruises on my body and a lot of tender spots. the doctors gave me T3's and sent me home.

Right now i know i have the right to be mad... no wait more than mad, pissed off. what this guy did to me was unspeakable. But I'm not mad. I am thankful that i am still alive at all. what if he had a knife... or a gun. I could be dead right now.

So i am going to relax for the next few days, and hopefully when it all catches up with me i will be prepared.

shaken and stirred...

I talk to her through facebook, and that's all. She says that she loves me, but i really don't know anymore. I am talking about my mom.
There was (well its still hitting us) a blizzard. I went online to check out my facebook before i ventured out in the cold and blowing snow to go to work. She was online and just asked her if my dad went to work (they live in the country). she said no, everyone is home. My dad is the only one who drives in that household, so my mom and my sister did not go to work either. She then asked me if i was going to work. I found it kind of strange, she knows that i only live a five min walk, if that from work, but i do drive because i need to get home as soon as i can at three to watch the little sky guy.
I told my mom that i was going, if i cant get out of my parking spot, then a walking i will go. I thought that was the responsible thing to do, go to work. well my mom surprised me and she called me *bleeping* stupid. *bleeping* stupid to be going to work. I could not believe it. sure if i lived further away, i might see her point, but if i walk down to the main road (less then a min walk) and look in the direction of work... i can almost see it.
So she calls me stupid then when i told her i had to go, she tells me that she loves me. I really can not stand these mixed signals.
I so hope that when i become a mommy, i do not do this to my child. I know I will not be perfect, but i do not want to pass on this confusion to my child.
I really hope everyone had a better day than i did.

The air is getting lighter

Slowly but surely i have started to tell certain people who are dear to me on what i want to do.
I live with my cousin. She was living with my sister and myself before the big blow up and we decided to move in together. I have been close with her all of my life and i fell that she is more than my cousin but a sister as well. That is why I think i was real hesitant on telling her my plans on becoming a mommy. I was afraid that if i told her that she might not see things the way i do. That maybe she would not want to live in the same apartment with a baby. She does love kids and says she does want some one day, but i did not want to assume anything.
This morning i don't really know how we got onto the subject of babies, I bit the bullet and told her of what i have planned. Her eyes brightened up and she gave me a huge grin then went into a loud high pitched squeal on how she loves babies and she is real excited. Lol she even started to think on what we would have to do to make our apartment more baby friendly.
I started to tear up when she started to talk about all the baby stuff. I am so happy that i am getting the love and support of the people who i hold dear to my heart (i'm tearing up right now too hehe).

natural high

Its been a week, let me tell you. I think the weather is just taking so much out of me lately.. just don't feel too motivated to do much. Yesterday i went out and actually bought a vacuum... yes since myself and my cousin moved here... we were a little vacuumness(been borrowing our friends). So yesterday and this morning all i have been doing is clean, clean, clean.
Maybe all of this cleaning has to do with some extremely good news i got this week. I finally got a call from the clinic!! I am so excited!! when i was talking to the woman she said to me almost in a disappointed voice that the only time that they have free was April 8Th then apologised that it is so far away. I told her no, no, its good, i thought it would take so much longer. It is thrilling and also a bit scary that in only 4 months i will be sitting in an office and talking to a doctor about the potential of me becoming a mommy. the doctors secatery said that she was going to be sending me a information package about what to expect and what will happen. I have been on such a high since then I just don't want to come off of it.

Choosing my own path

I am happy that the holidays are now over. Yule was the best, celebrating with my best friends and two of my cousins. We all had a blast.
Christmas was a whole different kettle of fish. I was actually told by my mother not to show up to the house on Christmas day because of my sister. My parents had my fathers side of the family over on Christmas eve. I was there of course, I wanted to see everyone. My sister stayed in the basement the whole time. every once and a while I would hear her take a fit from her room down there. so when my mom took me aside, giving me a hug in the process, she whispered into my ear, "don't bother coming her tomorrow." I was crushed. as soon as i left my parents place i just balled.
Now i am going to do some big changes in my life. First and foremost is trying to relieve myself of some stress in my life. Ever since this big blow up with my sister and family, i have lost about 40-50 pounds, just due to stress. One of my cousins that i don't see too often kept on commenting on how much weight i lost and was asking me what kind of diet i was on. I flat out told him its called the stress diet. I know that there is stress in every day life and things will be stressful once i become a mommy.. its common sense. Now though i want to take control of my life, choose my own path, and not care what anyone thinks. So until my family comes to their senses, i will be not talking to them all that often. I know it sounds bad, but I know being stressed and pregnant is not a good combination.
This evening, I was talking to a friend that i have known now for almost 20 years. I recently told her my plans of becoming a mom. I never expected the reaction that i got. she basically called me stupid, but of course not in those words. It was "you know i was a single mom and all the hardships and struggling I went though. why would you want to do that..." and it went on and on and on. It was like a sharp blow to the face. I just wanted to tell her, yes i know, but that was ten years ago. you were younger and he was a surprise. you were a partier and it put a damper on your social life. it just felt like everyone was trying to crush my dreams lately. but i know that is not true.
Azaera, thank you. You have helped me out a lot today like always. You always know what to say to make me feel better about myself and always reminding me it is my life, no one elses. I get to choose what i do with it. I can never have asked for a better best friend. You are the best!

Yule came early today

well today was looking like a normal day. Ok not too normal. i picked up my mom to do a little yule shopping, and on the way to the city the rear passenger tire blew up. it was a bit scary but i was able to pull my car over to the side of the road with little to no problem. The only big problem was it was -27 plus the windchill factor so it must have been -5000 out. and there i am with no gloves, jacking up my car, then trying to figure out how to get the spare tire from under the car (new car and i have never changed a tire on him yet.) i was half way done getting the tire from under the car and completely frozen when a semi driver pulled over and lent a grateful hand. He had the tire changed under five minutes. My mom and myself said our heartfelt thank yous to the man and went on our way to get a new tire for my car.
To make a long story short (i know its too late for that now lol) it took 7 hours for them to get my tire changed since its "change over to your winter tire" season. My cousin lent me her car in the meantime so we were able to continue to fight the crazy mobs in the mall to shop.
The best present today that i received was in the mail when i got home. I got a letter from my doctors office that they have contacted the clinic and they should be calling or mailing me with my appointment time and date. Luckily no one was near the mail box's when i got it because i squealed pretty loud with delight. I have never been so excited for a stranger to call me.

The best medicine

Today I was really depressed thanks to my mom calling me and telling me that I had to buy my sister a christmas present because otherwise she would be depressed. after that and her trying to tell me how to live my life i was felling really down. The people i work with heard my argument with my mom on the phone so they were trying to cheer me up today.
All it took to put a smile on my face was the belly laughter of a little monster. Thank you Skyler for making my day

Don't know...

Well its about that time of the year where everyone goes and celebrates yule/Christmas with their family. I don't know what I'm going to do this year though. my life has not been too clear for a while now.
since my birthday in April, i had what would you call it had a fallout with my family. my sister had a blow up with me and she threatened to kill me. My parents had taken my sisters side in almost everything. it has been real rough time for me...my patents only talking to me when they want something and basically shunning me. if it has not been for my best friends, i think i would have lost my mind a while ago.
so this year for all the holiday fun, i don't know what i am going to do. its really depressing that i can not even go to my parents place without my sister throwing a huge hissy fit and run to her room in the basement and yell until i leave there. so most of the time i don't feel like i am wanted and its making me more depressed every day.
my cousins say i can go over to their places and celebrate with their family, but its just not the same.
i think that is why i really want to start a family real soon. i want to love someone unconditionally and hopefully be loved in return.
i hope everyone will have a great holidays, and try not to get too stressed out over the shopping season.

the late night blogger

Well Samhain was the best. it is my favorite holiday of them all it always has been. being out with my friends, sharing a meal with them and the ones that have passed on was very peaceful, cold but nice.

I Am blogging so late at night because lucky me i get to work the overnight shift. i already worked from 7am to 11am. I then celebrated Samhain with my best friends. Now I'm working 11pm to 7am. Oh and the lucky part, i get to come back at 4pm and work till 10pm...lucky me lol.

Ok now its almost 5am and i feel like a walking zombie. i sware it was just as busy as a normal day shift minus the extra cook. why do i get talked into these things. i know i would have gone crazy if i did not bring my laptop to work, at least i can listen to my music. My back hurts, my stomach is turning I'm so sleepy.... after a night like tonight i think i can handle a baby with one hand tied behind my back. at least its only one person i have to pay attention to, not a restaurant full of people lol.

I still have not heard anything from my doctor or that clinic. I know I just went at the beginning of the month, but I'm an impatient person by nature lol, and waiting is not one of my virtues.
Well i hope everyone is well and had a wonderful Samhain/Halloween.

Yay for friday

Well I must say that today went off without a hitch. It was a most fantastic Friday. He was napping when i got there. As soon as he woke up he got his bottle and lunch then we were off hehe. Our first stop was to my work so i can pick up my check. I walk in there with sky and all the girls i work with are "OHHH he's so CUTE!!" even the one guy i cook with all the time was all google eyed over the little guy. That right there, pushed me over the top wanting a baby. I want people calling my baby cute. and i can be the one going "Yup i made him/her. he/she is the best!"
We went then to pick up my cousin, that just lives outside the city, so we could go shopping. her mom was there and when she saw that i had sky with me, she went into her room and got the outfit that she bought for him when she went to the states over the weekend. She loves to buy him things. You see Chuck and her daughter were the best of friends, and so part of her family. so when my auntie sees something for sky, she always picks it up.
i was off handed telling my auntie that i wanted a baby soon. So she asked me on how i was going to do this. Well now i feel like i had to tell her, but did not know what she was going to say. Me being extremely nervous told her about the doctors appointment that i went to (I already told her about the nonsense he did to me during the appointment but not the reason i went there). She said that was cool. It is real nice to have an auntie that is real supportive like that. I know for a fact that she would be the only one. I honestly believe that my other relatives would disown me or something... its pretty sad.
Now with my cousin with me, we went to the mall and did a little shopping, which was fun. Sky picked out some cute toys and when we got to the checkout, i actually had to pry one out of his hand so i could pay for it, so cute lol.
We then walked around the mall for a bit, getting some other stuff, then it was time to go home and put him for a nap. Well, Sky had plans of his own, and after only half an hour of sleep, well it was time to get up and play. So i tried to do what mommy told me to do. Play with him until he gets tired. Well that did not work lol. he was laughing and cuddling with me up to the time Mommy and Daddy got home.
I know not every day would be like this, all smiles and snuggles, with one of my own, but i don't care. I will gladly take the good with the bad. Its what makes you a mommy.

The true test

Well tomorrow i will have the true test. It will be Sky and myself all day alone tomorrow. All day with the little one, having to remember the schedule that he is on, what to feed him, when to put him for a nap, bottles...
I know though its going to be more tough on mommy and daddy because they have never been away from him for so long. And truth be told, i have never been around a little one for that long knowing that i am in charge...well he's in charge, i bow to his ever whim lol.
I will not lie, i am a little nervous. its not because he is special needs... its just because he is so small.
Tomorrow though i got a little bit of a game plan... one part of it is going shopping with him (i promised him this last week) so he can go and pick out his birthday present for next month. i got a bit of an idea of what i want to get him but i want to see his response to it.
All i know that i am happy and blessed that my best friends trust me with their most precious thing in the world.

From the end to the beginning

Things are starting to get better now. I have been sleeping a bit better now since last Saturday. if it was not for my friends looking out for me, I would probably be more of a wreck then i am now. I don't know why it bothers me so much. I don't think the other people that I work with are affected by it like I was. I just take a deep breath and continue on with my day.
Also i think it helps that i watch over my nephew during the week. that little guy is the best. He would make the grumpiest person happy. and now that he is more mobile, he is more fun to play with when mommy and daddy are gone to work.
Watching the little guy too i think is helping me confirm 110% that i want one of my own. I want to be the one going, "oh look at what my little one can do now, I'm such a proud mommy!"
until that time comes though, I'll be the one going "oh look at my sky guy, he is getting so big. I'm such a proud auntie!"

Mind numbing

Ever have those days when you know that you should have just stayed in bed? well today was one of those days. It is only October 10Th, and there is a lot of snow on the ground now. i woke up and looked outside my apartment just to see my car covered. that should have been the indicator to climb back into my bed. so instead of driving to work, i just walked there. i don't live that far from my job, so instead of seeing how my new car handles on the ice, i bundled up and trekked outside.
i got to work at just before 7am, changed into my work uniform (I'm a cook at a local restaurant) and started my shift. I stepped onto the floor to head to the cooking area when there was a commotion at one of the tables.
there was a family there early in the morning starting to enjoy their breakfast. an older gentleman with his two sons and their wives were together. there were only a few of us starting that early, myself, two other waitresses and the manager. the older gentlemen suffered a heart attack as soon as the waitress started to bring them their food.
it happened so fast. it did not even click on what was going on first off. i saw him start to shake a lot like he was getting electrocuted, then he slumped over. the family had him on the ground so fast to start CPR. my manager was on the phone calling 911 and the waitresses redirecting the other customers to the other side of the restaurant. and me? well i still had to cook the bills that were coming in, in direct viewing of the whole thing...
almost twenty minutes pass, the paramedics arrive and take over for the family. it takes it a while before they move him, as they had to stop and give him CPR on i don't know how many more occasions.
by this time now my mind has gone numb. I'm crying as I'm cooking because all i can see is this mans family standing over the paramedics shock playing on their faces.
and that was just my morning. just the first 20 minutes of my 7 hour shift. and let me tell you it was just a long and dragging day. the other cook did not show up for her shift so i was stuck there cooking with just the backup on one of the busiest days ever not getting a break until i left at two.
Well everyone i do hope that you had a way better day that i did, and i hope that i will write a more happier post soon.

I'm sure there are some out there...

so today i am looking and looking online for other blogs about people like me. someone who wants a baby and is single. there are a lot of blogs about single parents, that have been in a relationship but are now doing it on their own, but not too many about someone who wants to do it alone from the get go.
i guess i have to do some more searching, because it will be interesting to read about other people who want to do it alone ie no partner. its not like i will be doing everything alone. my best friends will be there i know that for a fact and my one cousin told me if i did not let her babysit before my mom she will be extremely disappointed in me lol.
right now there are only 2 other people that know my plans. my one cousin and Azaera, and of course anyone else reading this hehe. i really don't want to tell anyone else at the moment because i don't want them to think they have to talk me out of it, because believe me they would be wasting their breath.
oh well, i guess its more searching on the good 'ol interweb before my bedtime hehe.

Your not House...

I went to the doctors yesterday. I wanted to talk to him about my plans about becoming a mom. So i made a appointment for a physical (i never had one before so i figured it was high time to) so i can get my foot in the door to ask him some questions.
The place i want to go to get the (TDI) makes you have a referral from a doctor so i figured i'll just ask mine. I have been seeing the same doctor for over 15 years, he should understand my wants and needs....
About the time i set foot into the examination room it was a nightmare. at first he was asking the normal questions, do you drink/smoke. have you ever had surgery ect. then the other questions came. are you on the pill? No. have you ever been on the pill? No. are you sexually active? No. that's when he looked at me funny then said. Have you ever had sex? i looked at the ground and said no. well he thought it was the funnest thing in the world. he said straight out he has never meet someone my age that is still has not had sex. let me tell you all during the examination he was cracking jokes left and right. he did not even do the full examination because he said and i quote "well there is no point since you never had sex..." Now wait a sec, just because i never had, I'm pretty sure i still need that. there are other things that could go wrong.
so after he cracked all of his jokes i was left in the situation on do i really want to ask him to refer me to the clinic. so i told him straight out my plan. I'm 30 and i want a baby. can you help me out and refer me to this place. he took out his prescription pad and looked at me. "well i can prescribe you a man what do you want him to look like..." My doctor, the guy i trusted for so long was making fun of my dream. you don't know how devastated i was. i told him i was trying to be serious. he stooped it with the jokes for a bit to get all the information about the clinic so he can contact them. but the jokes started up once again when he said that "Wow that is expensive, you sure you don't want that prescription?"
i left fast from the doctors office and went to my car and balled my eyes out. how can someone be so insensitive? and he is a bloody doctor, are they not suppose to be professional?
at lest he said that he was going to contact them for me so i least i did not leave empty handed. i just wish he did not have to belittle me in the process.

new beginnings

There is a time in your life that you stop and ask yourself, what do i really want to come from it all. what kind if impression do i want to leave when i am gone?
i have been doing a lot of soul searching lately and i have come up with an conclusion. i do want more out of life. i want to share what i know with someone. i want a part of me to live on. i really want a baby.
there is a little problem with me though.... single. what do i do? I'm 30 years old and don't have that special someone in my life to make my dreaming a reality. i am not a real social person. i don't go out to the bar and meet people....actually i don't go out too much anywhere only to my friends place. so its difficult for me to meet anyone new. oh yeah I'm really shy so that does not help matters much either.
so i took it into my own hands and started to look online (with a lot and a lot of help with my best friend) to see how i can get a little bundle of joy of my own. i have been looking into Therapeutic Donor Insemination (TDI). but it only seems that there is only one place in the city i live that does this. so my options are limited at the moment.
so this is what my blog is going to be about, my wanting to be a mommy and my quest to get what i want.