Don't know...

Well its about that time of the year where everyone goes and celebrates yule/Christmas with their family. I don't know what I'm going to do this year though. my life has not been too clear for a while now.
since my birthday in April, i had what would you call it had a fallout with my family. my sister had a blow up with me and she threatened to kill me. My parents had taken my sisters side in almost everything. it has been real rough time for me...my patents only talking to me when they want something and basically shunning me. if it has not been for my best friends, i think i would have lost my mind a while ago.
so this year for all the holiday fun, i don't know what i am going to do. its really depressing that i can not even go to my parents place without my sister throwing a huge hissy fit and run to her room in the basement and yell until i leave there. so most of the time i don't feel like i am wanted and its making me more depressed every day.
my cousins say i can go over to their places and celebrate with their family, but its just not the same.
i think that is why i really want to start a family real soon. i want to love someone unconditionally and hopefully be loved in return.
i hope everyone will have a great holidays, and try not to get too stressed out over the shopping season.

the late night blogger

Well Samhain was the best. it is my favorite holiday of them all it always has been. being out with my friends, sharing a meal with them and the ones that have passed on was very peaceful, cold but nice.

I Am blogging so late at night because lucky me i get to work the overnight shift. i already worked from 7am to 11am. I then celebrated Samhain with my best friends. Now I'm working 11pm to 7am. Oh and the lucky part, i get to come back at 4pm and work till 10pm...lucky me lol.

Ok now its almost 5am and i feel like a walking zombie. i sware it was just as busy as a normal day shift minus the extra cook. why do i get talked into these things. i know i would have gone crazy if i did not bring my laptop to work, at least i can listen to my music. My back hurts, my stomach is turning I'm so sleepy.... after a night like tonight i think i can handle a baby with one hand tied behind my back. at least its only one person i have to pay attention to, not a restaurant full of people lol.

I still have not heard anything from my doctor or that clinic. I know I just went at the beginning of the month, but I'm an impatient person by nature lol, and waiting is not one of my virtues.
Well i hope everyone is well and had a wonderful Samhain/Halloween.

Yay for friday

Well I must say that today went off without a hitch. It was a most fantastic Friday. He was napping when i got there. As soon as he woke up he got his bottle and lunch then we were off hehe. Our first stop was to my work so i can pick up my check. I walk in there with sky and all the girls i work with are "OHHH he's so CUTE!!" even the one guy i cook with all the time was all google eyed over the little guy. That right there, pushed me over the top wanting a baby. I want people calling my baby cute. and i can be the one going "Yup i made him/her. he/she is the best!"
We went then to pick up my cousin, that just lives outside the city, so we could go shopping. her mom was there and when she saw that i had sky with me, she went into her room and got the outfit that she bought for him when she went to the states over the weekend. She loves to buy him things. You see Chuck and her daughter were the best of friends, and so part of her family. so when my auntie sees something for sky, she always picks it up.
i was off handed telling my auntie that i wanted a baby soon. So she asked me on how i was going to do this. Well now i feel like i had to tell her, but did not know what she was going to say. Me being extremely nervous told her about the doctors appointment that i went to (I already told her about the nonsense he did to me during the appointment but not the reason i went there). She said that was cool. It is real nice to have an auntie that is real supportive like that. I know for a fact that she would be the only one. I honestly believe that my other relatives would disown me or something... its pretty sad.
Now with my cousin with me, we went to the mall and did a little shopping, which was fun. Sky picked out some cute toys and when we got to the checkout, i actually had to pry one out of his hand so i could pay for it, so cute lol.
We then walked around the mall for a bit, getting some other stuff, then it was time to go home and put him for a nap. Well, Sky had plans of his own, and after only half an hour of sleep, well it was time to get up and play. So i tried to do what mommy told me to do. Play with him until he gets tired. Well that did not work lol. he was laughing and cuddling with me up to the time Mommy and Daddy got home.
I know not every day would be like this, all smiles and snuggles, with one of my own, but i don't care. I will gladly take the good with the bad. Its what makes you a mommy.

The true test

Well tomorrow i will have the true test. It will be Sky and myself all day alone tomorrow. All day with the little one, having to remember the schedule that he is on, what to feed him, when to put him for a nap, bottles...
I know though its going to be more tough on mommy and daddy because they have never been away from him for so long. And truth be told, i have never been around a little one for that long knowing that i am in charge...well he's in charge, i bow to his ever whim lol.
I will not lie, i am a little nervous. its not because he is special needs... its just because he is so small.
Tomorrow though i got a little bit of a game plan... one part of it is going shopping with him (i promised him this last week) so he can go and pick out his birthday present for next month. i got a bit of an idea of what i want to get him but i want to see his response to it.
All i know that i am happy and blessed that my best friends trust me with their most precious thing in the world.

From the end to the beginning

Things are starting to get better now. I have been sleeping a bit better now since last Saturday. if it was not for my friends looking out for me, I would probably be more of a wreck then i am now. I don't know why it bothers me so much. I don't think the other people that I work with are affected by it like I was. I just take a deep breath and continue on with my day.
Also i think it helps that i watch over my nephew during the week. that little guy is the best. He would make the grumpiest person happy. and now that he is more mobile, he is more fun to play with when mommy and daddy are gone to work.
Watching the little guy too i think is helping me confirm 110% that i want one of my own. I want to be the one going, "oh look at what my little one can do now, I'm such a proud mommy!"
until that time comes though, I'll be the one going "oh look at my sky guy, he is getting so big. I'm such a proud auntie!"

Mind numbing

Ever have those days when you know that you should have just stayed in bed? well today was one of those days. It is only October 10Th, and there is a lot of snow on the ground now. i woke up and looked outside my apartment just to see my car covered. that should have been the indicator to climb back into my bed. so instead of driving to work, i just walked there. i don't live that far from my job, so instead of seeing how my new car handles on the ice, i bundled up and trekked outside.
i got to work at just before 7am, changed into my work uniform (I'm a cook at a local restaurant) and started my shift. I stepped onto the floor to head to the cooking area when there was a commotion at one of the tables.
there was a family there early in the morning starting to enjoy their breakfast. an older gentleman with his two sons and their wives were together. there were only a few of us starting that early, myself, two other waitresses and the manager. the older gentlemen suffered a heart attack as soon as the waitress started to bring them their food.
it happened so fast. it did not even click on what was going on first off. i saw him start to shake a lot like he was getting electrocuted, then he slumped over. the family had him on the ground so fast to start CPR. my manager was on the phone calling 911 and the waitresses redirecting the other customers to the other side of the restaurant. and me? well i still had to cook the bills that were coming in, in direct viewing of the whole thing...
almost twenty minutes pass, the paramedics arrive and take over for the family. it takes it a while before they move him, as they had to stop and give him CPR on i don't know how many more occasions.
by this time now my mind has gone numb. I'm crying as I'm cooking because all i can see is this mans family standing over the paramedics shock playing on their faces.
and that was just my morning. just the first 20 minutes of my 7 hour shift. and let me tell you it was just a long and dragging day. the other cook did not show up for her shift so i was stuck there cooking with just the backup on one of the busiest days ever not getting a break until i left at two.
Well everyone i do hope that you had a way better day that i did, and i hope that i will write a more happier post soon.

I'm sure there are some out there...

so today i am looking and looking online for other blogs about people like me. someone who wants a baby and is single. there are a lot of blogs about single parents, that have been in a relationship but are now doing it on their own, but not too many about someone who wants to do it alone from the get go.
i guess i have to do some more searching, because it will be interesting to read about other people who want to do it alone ie no partner. its not like i will be doing everything alone. my best friends will be there i know that for a fact and my one cousin told me if i did not let her babysit before my mom she will be extremely disappointed in me lol.
right now there are only 2 other people that know my plans. my one cousin and Azaera, and of course anyone else reading this hehe. i really don't want to tell anyone else at the moment because i don't want them to think they have to talk me out of it, because believe me they would be wasting their breath.
oh well, i guess its more searching on the good 'ol interweb before my bedtime hehe.