That flash of life before your eyes.

Friday night was going to be the best. My friend from work wanted to head out to his favorite bar and said your coming with me. He is a blast to be around and had fun getting ready to go.

We stayed till close and of course, being a guy while intoxicated was trying to start fights with other guys for just looking at him the wrong way. I dragged him out and we both decided that we should head out to our place of work and have a really late night meal.

We get there, him still ranting and raving about the last guy who pissed him off before we left the bar, and settled in at the counter. We talked to our co-workers that were on the night shift and had more fun.

"oh look its getting late and you have to work in like two hours... lets go." i say to my male co worker and we both go and leave the store.

We took a taxi to the bar and back, because i never ever drink and drive, and we both live close enough to each other, so we started to walk home.
My friend bid me goodnight as his street came up first. I live about three too four minutes away from him, but it was almost 4am and since we were dancing all night, my feet were not the best, so i decided to take it slow.

a few minutes later, i was passing a convenient store, when i heard some guy shout out. thinking that it might be my friend wanting something from me, i stopped and turned around.

It was not my friend. there was this young guy in about his early to mid twenties, wearing no jacket (i think it was -25c or colder) yelling at me. i quickly turned around and started to walk faster... already having this bad feeling in the bottom
of my gut.

This guy ran up to me and stood right in front of me. Right there i could tell that he was high on something. he was slurring his words and being very antsy. as he continued to try to talk to me, i noticed that he was keeping his hands in his pockets almost the entire time... my bad feeling was getting stronger.
He thought i was someone else, trying to ask me beauty and hygiene questions, asking me what row the razor blades were in... clearly this guy is not playing with a full deck of cards.

a few times i tried to nicely tell the kid that he has a mistake and I'm trying to get home. he started to get into my face, stopping me dead in my attempt to flee the situation.

Normally i take the back way to get home when i walk. i cross though a field and walk behind some apartment buildings. something in my head told me not to, take the long way, the apartments are closer... just in case...

I speed up my pace, getting way ahead of this crazy guy and turn down the side street where i live. at this point in time i have my cell phone in my one hand and my keys in the other.

He starts to yell at me now, i turn around and yell back at him. at this point of time we are standing right beside an apartment building. I have been always told that i have a voice that carries. So I yelled and screamed at this guy. I can see my own building just at the end of the road... I'm not going to make it i think to myself.

Without warning, he jumps me and starts to take swings at me, connecting blow after blow with my head. I tried my best to defend myself, but i had no grip with my boots on the snow, i fell down after i don't know how many hits. I yelled and screamed. i buried my face in the nearest snow pile so he would not hit me directly in the face.

Just as soon as it started, the guy took off. Thank goodness the people in that apartment block did hear me and a few came rushing out and chased the guy down the street.

Trying to gather my thoughts on what just happened, i look down at my hand and see my cell phone. So i call 911 and other than me having a panic attack was able to give my location and still able to describe the guy to the woman on the phone.

After a two hour wait, the cops finally came. and took a statement. before this time after i got off the phone with 911, i called my roommate/cousin and she came rushing down to find me. she then called my parents and after a time, came also.

The cops told me that the way they respond to someone calling 911 is that they use a scale of priority. 1 being a total disaster like the end of the world to 10. They said that what happened to me was an priority 3. when i called 911 at 4 in the mooring, there were 60 other priority 3's at the time.

My parents took me to the emergency room so i could get checked out. the back of the left side of my head is all swollen. my ear is all black and blue, and my left side of my jaw hurts (can barely open my mouth right now.) i also got an other nasty bump on the right side of my forehead. my left wrist is sprained, and i am finding many bruises on my body and a lot of tender spots. the doctors gave me T3's and sent me home.

Right now i know i have the right to be mad... no wait more than mad, pissed off. what this guy did to me was unspeakable. But I'm not mad. I am thankful that i am still alive at all. what if he had a knife... or a gun. I could be dead right now.

So i am going to relax for the next few days, and hopefully when it all catches up with me i will be prepared.

shaken and stirred...

I talk to her through facebook, and that's all. She says that she loves me, but i really don't know anymore. I am talking about my mom.
There was (well its still hitting us) a blizzard. I went online to check out my facebook before i ventured out in the cold and blowing snow to go to work. She was online and just asked her if my dad went to work (they live in the country). she said no, everyone is home. My dad is the only one who drives in that household, so my mom and my sister did not go to work either. She then asked me if i was going to work. I found it kind of strange, she knows that i only live a five min walk, if that from work, but i do drive because i need to get home as soon as i can at three to watch the little sky guy.
I told my mom that i was going, if i cant get out of my parking spot, then a walking i will go. I thought that was the responsible thing to do, go to work. well my mom surprised me and she called me *bleeping* stupid. *bleeping* stupid to be going to work. I could not believe it. sure if i lived further away, i might see her point, but if i walk down to the main road (less then a min walk) and look in the direction of work... i can almost see it.
So she calls me stupid then when i told her i had to go, she tells me that she loves me. I really can not stand these mixed signals.
I so hope that when i become a mommy, i do not do this to my child. I know I will not be perfect, but i do not want to pass on this confusion to my child.
I really hope everyone had a better day than i did.

The air is getting lighter

Slowly but surely i have started to tell certain people who are dear to me on what i want to do.
I live with my cousin. She was living with my sister and myself before the big blow up and we decided to move in together. I have been close with her all of my life and i fell that she is more than my cousin but a sister as well. That is why I think i was real hesitant on telling her my plans on becoming a mommy. I was afraid that if i told her that she might not see things the way i do. That maybe she would not want to live in the same apartment with a baby. She does love kids and says she does want some one day, but i did not want to assume anything.
This morning i don't really know how we got onto the subject of babies, I bit the bullet and told her of what i have planned. Her eyes brightened up and she gave me a huge grin then went into a loud high pitched squeal on how she loves babies and she is real excited. Lol she even started to think on what we would have to do to make our apartment more baby friendly.
I started to tear up when she started to talk about all the baby stuff. I am so happy that i am getting the love and support of the people who i hold dear to my heart (i'm tearing up right now too hehe).

natural high

Its been a week, let me tell you. I think the weather is just taking so much out of me lately.. just don't feel too motivated to do much. Yesterday i went out and actually bought a vacuum... yes since myself and my cousin moved here... we were a little vacuumness(been borrowing our friends). So yesterday and this morning all i have been doing is clean, clean, clean.
Maybe all of this cleaning has to do with some extremely good news i got this week. I finally got a call from the clinic!! I am so excited!! when i was talking to the woman she said to me almost in a disappointed voice that the only time that they have free was April 8Th then apologised that it is so far away. I told her no, no, its good, i thought it would take so much longer. It is thrilling and also a bit scary that in only 4 months i will be sitting in an office and talking to a doctor about the potential of me becoming a mommy. the doctors secatery said that she was going to be sending me a information package about what to expect and what will happen. I have been on such a high since then I just don't want to come off of it.

Choosing my own path

I am happy that the holidays are now over. Yule was the best, celebrating with my best friends and two of my cousins. We all had a blast.
Christmas was a whole different kettle of fish. I was actually told by my mother not to show up to the house on Christmas day because of my sister. My parents had my fathers side of the family over on Christmas eve. I was there of course, I wanted to see everyone. My sister stayed in the basement the whole time. every once and a while I would hear her take a fit from her room down there. so when my mom took me aside, giving me a hug in the process, she whispered into my ear, "don't bother coming her tomorrow." I was crushed. as soon as i left my parents place i just balled.
Now i am going to do some big changes in my life. First and foremost is trying to relieve myself of some stress in my life. Ever since this big blow up with my sister and family, i have lost about 40-50 pounds, just due to stress. One of my cousins that i don't see too often kept on commenting on how much weight i lost and was asking me what kind of diet i was on. I flat out told him its called the stress diet. I know that there is stress in every day life and things will be stressful once i become a mommy.. its common sense. Now though i want to take control of my life, choose my own path, and not care what anyone thinks. So until my family comes to their senses, i will be not talking to them all that often. I know it sounds bad, but I know being stressed and pregnant is not a good combination.
This evening, I was talking to a friend that i have known now for almost 20 years. I recently told her my plans of becoming a mom. I never expected the reaction that i got. she basically called me stupid, but of course not in those words. It was "you know i was a single mom and all the hardships and struggling I went though. why would you want to do that..." and it went on and on and on. It was like a sharp blow to the face. I just wanted to tell her, yes i know, but that was ten years ago. you were younger and he was a surprise. you were a partier and it put a damper on your social life. it just felt like everyone was trying to crush my dreams lately. but i know that is not true.
Azaera, thank you. You have helped me out a lot today like always. You always know what to say to make me feel better about myself and always reminding me it is my life, no one elses. I get to choose what i do with it. I can never have asked for a better best friend. You are the best!

Yule came early today

well today was looking like a normal day. Ok not too normal. i picked up my mom to do a little yule shopping, and on the way to the city the rear passenger tire blew up. it was a bit scary but i was able to pull my car over to the side of the road with little to no problem. The only big problem was it was -27 plus the windchill factor so it must have been -5000 out. and there i am with no gloves, jacking up my car, then trying to figure out how to get the spare tire from under the car (new car and i have never changed a tire on him yet.) i was half way done getting the tire from under the car and completely frozen when a semi driver pulled over and lent a grateful hand. He had the tire changed under five minutes. My mom and myself said our heartfelt thank yous to the man and went on our way to get a new tire for my car.
To make a long story short (i know its too late for that now lol) it took 7 hours for them to get my tire changed since its "change over to your winter tire" season. My cousin lent me her car in the meantime so we were able to continue to fight the crazy mobs in the mall to shop.
The best present today that i received was in the mail when i got home. I got a letter from my doctors office that they have contacted the clinic and they should be calling or mailing me with my appointment time and date. Luckily no one was near the mail box's when i got it because i squealed pretty loud with delight. I have never been so excited for a stranger to call me.

The best medicine

Today I was really depressed thanks to my mom calling me and telling me that I had to buy my sister a christmas present because otherwise she would be depressed. after that and her trying to tell me how to live my life i was felling really down. The people i work with heard my argument with my mom on the phone so they were trying to cheer me up today.
All it took to put a smile on my face was the belly laughter of a little monster. Thank you Skyler for making my day